I flip another page and my stomach starts to turn.
I pick up my phone. Maybe I’m running out of time. No.
Did I turn off the coffee pot?
Maybe I should…
I keep reading, getting more anxious as each chapter ends. I almost convince myself that I’m just not that into it today and maybe I should put the Bible away until later. When I’m not as fidgety.
And then, Jacob sees Rachel and falls in love, and I know what comes next. I’ve always hated their story.
For the sake of Leah.
I didn’t realize until today just how much I identify with her. On the surface, there is no obvious reason. My relationship with my dad is great. I’m not married, so a disappointed husband isn’t the issue.
Leah knew she wasn’t beautiful.
She didn’t quite measure up to expectations.
Shouldn’t she be married already?
The list of emotions that I could give for poor Leah. And honestly, most of them are probably purely mine, but I do sense a kindred spirit in her.
Most days, I still don’t like what I see in the mirror.
I constantly fall short of the mark that I just know everyone on the planet is holding me to.
And really, shouldn’t I be married already?
BUT today I saw something that I had never really paid attention to.
I saw the way God treated her.
God noticed her.
God loved her.
God honored her in a way that was oh so important in her culture. He gave her a son. And another one. And another one. In fact, he gave her six sons, and a daughter.
Reading her story today, for the first time, I felt hope. I felt loved.