Small Things

I just wanted to take a moment to say that today, I am so thankful for the small things.

  • A hot cup of cinnamon tea
  • Putting my feet up after a long, crazy, awesome day
  • Rainy days
  • A puppy to snuggle

So much has happened today that my brain just hasn’t had time to process it all. I figured a little time to look at some of the good things was just what the doctor ordered tonight.

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In The Secret Place

A swollen and somewhat bruised ankle has kept me mostly on the couch this morning. An Epsom salt soak and an ice pack have been my friends. I’m not complaining. I’m actually thankful for the opportunity to just sit and write, to spend some time in the Word. As much as I am a busy person and absolutely love being around people, I need my quiet moments, too.

Right now, I am in the process of writing a novel. No one besides me will ever read this draft. It’s a free-for-all with the storylines going everywhere, characters who are not well defined, plot holes galore. Some time down the road, it will become a finished product in which (hopefully) all of those things will be made pretty. And that’s the beauty of it.

My life, a lot of times, is a mess. There are moments when I am angry, sad, overzealous, and every other emotion that you can think of. I let them take over my life, and they can cause some major misunderstandings or problems. So, I spend time in the Word. I let God use it to change me. To help me trust Him more, and me less. He lets me see the place I hold in His heart, reminds me of my place in this world, and that really, I’m just a speck. He’s got this.

Just like the characters in my novel, my character is formed in that secret place. The greatest truths about me are formed in those times when there is no one else around. Before I even took my first breath, He wrote my life in His book, then He formed me, and then I was born. And He is still shaping me.

I’m learning that nothing really worth it comes easy. Or at least not as easy as we think it looks.

This is definitely not the most eloquent of posts, and is really a bit scattered. I just really want to remind you to have a little grace with yourself today. God loves you and He has a plan for you, as difficult and as wonderful as it may be. Don’t give up on yourself. And definitely don’t give up on God. He isn’t finished with you yet.

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Doing the Hard Things

This morning, I woke up knowing that today I was going to do something difficult for me. There was a large to-do list waiting on me. It was also my only day off for the next couple of weeks. It’s been a super busy week, and I was so tired. I had a valid excuse for backing out.

I waited until the last possible moment to get ready, to get some breakfast, and any other last minute things I could think of. Even though I had been up for quite some time. It was a productive couple of hours. Some time in the Word. A giant leap forward in my novel, which is way behind thanks to my crazy schedule and awesome procrastination techniques.

I knew it was something I needed to do.

So, I planned to wear my awesome new race t-shirt. But it was kind of cold outside this morning, so I grabbed one of the few long sleeved shirts that kind of matched, and threw my new shirt on over it. A shirt that last time I wore it, was skin tight. A great reminder that with God’s help, I can do the hard things. Even if I jump in kicking and screaming. He’s always there, loving and strengthening and encouraging.

Having some pretty amazing friends doesn’t hurt, either.

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Just Say It

I completely forgot yesterday.

Terrible, I know.

And I was terrified at what would have come out when I woke up thinking about it at 3 am.

But here’s a little about what I have learned so far from this little challenge.

1. I have more to say than I thought I did.

2. It’s okay to say something, even when you think no one is listening.

3. I can do this.

4. I absolutely love doing this! Who knew?

5. It’s okay to not get it right the first time. You can always edit, and usually you are the only one that will know.

There is plenty more, but it will wait. I have to save something for another day.

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Remembering

Today, I was at the hospital where I said goodbye to my mom. I’ve been there one other time since she died, but this time was different.

Maybe because this time, I am in the middle of writing a novel loosely based on some of the experiences I had with my mom. Maybe because I am taking the time to remember, and letting the hard memories come.

Sitting in the courtyard, where I used to wheel her out to smoke (awful, I know, but always her choice) I could see the set of chairs where my family sat to make the decision to take her off life support.

I realized that I could remember ever detail of the door that I was standing next to when I called family and friends to give them the news.

There was a Rosanne marathon on television that night, and though I didn’t really like the show, I couldn’t be bothered to change the channel. So I sat and watched the Connor’s bicker while I waited for her last breath.

But I remembered the good things, too. Like the nursing staff who treated our family with so much compassion. The friends who showed up and stayed by our sides. I remember my phone going off in the middle of prayer with the hospital chaplain. The ringtone was Shackles, by Mary Mary. I sure got some funny looks about that one!

But truly, it is okay to remember, and it is okay to miss her. I choose to celebrate the good things, and learn from the hard things.

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I Am Art

Today was the big day!

Race day!
I’ve been looking forward to Run or Dye, and working for it for months. And of course, just days before, I get a cold or allergies or something. And a cut on the bottom of my foot.
But I had to walk/run anyway. I am so glad I did!

I thought I would post some pictures to show you how much fun we had.

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All nice and clean at the starting line!

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Finally she gets a little color! (She made it through the race fairly clean, somehow.)

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I got covered at the first color station, and it was just layer after layer. My shirt looks so pretty. I may have to set the color in it.

Oh, and even with a cold and a giant cut on my foot, I made it through a little more quickly than last time.

Now to get signed up for my next one. Anyone have a race that they would recommend?

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Redefining Impossible

At some point today, I will be picking up my race packet for my second 5k. It has nothing to do with the charity it supports. It isn’t because it is the cool thing to do. I just want to be there. I want to run. And that’s weird to me. So far from who I have always been.
As a kid, I definitely wasn’t the fastest. Remember my hero worship of the tortoise? I was always the one willing to sit on the sidelines so everyone else could play.
I tried out for school basketball teams twice. The first time, I was a little disappointed when I didn’t see my name on any of the team lists. The second time, I was crushed when the coaches told me not to even come back to tryouts. I was done with sports.
I joined the band, instead. And was overjoyed when I found out that marching took the place of my P.E. credit in high school. Extremely hard work and more time on my feet in the hot sun than I ever wanted. Disillusioned. But I got to hide in my bright red uniform that matched everyone else. Just one little part of a line. (My years in band were some of the greatest in my life. The relationships that were formed made high school for this shy kid. And the skills I learned have come in handy, too).
So, how did I end up here? Waiting in excitement for race day. For a race that I am, for now, still unable to run.
I believe I have the ladies of The View to thank for this, (I know. Go ahead and laugh), and a segment they did on some ladies that had lost a bunch of weight. I remember laughing at the woman who ran a marathon. I looked at my mom and said, “she can keep her marathon. I’ll find another way to lose it.” And then came that little tiny thought. Why can’t I do that?

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Through the years, there have been a lot of false starts. Lots of early mornings at one park or another, followed by lots of busyness and binge eating. I’d give up, and then start again.
To motivate myself to try again, I signed up for my first 5k in August. I walked until the finish line was in sight. And I fell in love. With running. With the race day atmosphere. With getting up each day and redefining my impossible.

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